A father’s grief: podcast explores Humboldt Broncos tragedy, suicide, pain of losing a son

Note: This story contains references to suicide. If you or a loved one is at risk, Talk Suicide Canada can be reached at (833) 456-4566, or call Kids Help Phone at 1 (800) 668-6868. More resources available here.

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The hole in Chris Joseph’s heart isn’t getting any smaller – and he’s not sure it ever will.

It’s the pain and grief of losing his teenage boy. It’s the absence he feels every day.

It’s been five years since the former NHL player lost his son Jaxon in the Humboldt Broncos bus crash in Saskatchewan on April 6, 2018.

Jaxon was among the 10 junior hockey players killed after a truck went through a stop sign and collided with the team bus. Two coaches, a team athletic therapist, a statistician, radio announcer and the bus driver were also killed.

“For those people that are listening, this is our fifth-year anniversary. We are not better. There’s still an emptiness,” said Joseph.

Joseph is no stranger to interviews about the traumatic death of his son, who was 20 years old when he passed away.

But now he’s opening up in a two-part podcast for an in-depth conversation about grief from a father’s perspective.

“And then for me it’s onto year six,” he told CityNews. “And it ain’t changing. I do get better, I still smile and laugh a lot, but there’s a hole there that’s never going away. What I like to say is that this hole isn’t getting smaller, I’m just building up a whole bunch of muscle around that hole to try to cope through the day.”

The podcast, which Joseph calls a conversation out in the open, is not just about his loss. Sitting across from him is Kyle Dubé, the host of the “Relentless” podcast.

“Me and Kyle, we’re just a couple of dads sharing our grief,” said Joseph. “I think that meant a lot to me knowing that we’re just having a real frank conversation.”

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When Dubé lost his son Luke to suicide two years ago, Joseph was there to support him. Even the timing seemed fateful; Luke died April 5, 2021 – one day before the third anniversary of the fatal Broncos bus crash.

“Realistically, it’s a conversation that Chris and I have had many times,” said Dubé. “We were hockey dads, lacrosse dads, buddies prior to his son Jaxon dying. And after my son Luke died, we bonded as grief brothers, if you will. We don’t want that, we would much rather still just be hockey dads, lacrosse dads, buddies.”

While they know no two journeys are the same, the fathers hope the podcast episodes create a resource to talk openly about grief.

“Suicide truthfully was just a shock of a lifetime for us,” Dubé. “We didn’t see massive red flags with Luke’s mental health. Luke was down for a couple few weeks prior to him taking his life. And there was a darkness within him that we obviously didn’t see, did not share with us.”

The Dubés hold an annual “Be a Light for Luke” – a way to share their love for their boy while highlighting the complexities of suicide.

“Luke had a brain attack,” said Dubé. “Your lungs will fail you, your heart could fail you, your kidneys could fail. Luke’s brain failed him.

“Talking about suicide, about mental health and about all these things, the more we talk about it, the more normal it will become. And the more normal it becomes I believe the easier it will be to talk about.”

Advocating for change in trucking industry 

Meanwhile the Josephs are continuing to advocate for changes in the trucking industry, despite lag. Joseph is an advocate and spokesperson with Safer Roads Canada.

“There’s days when I feel like I’m just banging my head against the wall and I’m getting nowhere, but something keeps pushing me to keep advocating for it,” he said. “Me personally, I think it’s Jaxon. I think it’s my son that’s pushing me a little bit. So I’m not giving up on that one quite yet.”

FROM 2019: Humboldt Broncos families upset by Alberta trucking regulation review

Asked about changes in Alberta, Joseph says not enough has been done.

“It’s a real point of frustration actually,” he added. “You know, like a lot of things, in the beginning we jumped in both feet and we tried to get some change. And everybody was emotional, and some things happened, like the MELT program – the Mandatory Entry Level Training – but that’s just a little drop in the bucket. There needs to be so much more.”

Both fathers want grief to be better understood.

‘Tell your children you love them’

“An open frank conversation, you know everybody copes different ways,” said Joseph. “And I’ve even coped some of the traditional ways: I went to drinking, I fight with my spouse, I do all that stuff. If somebody else can see what we’re going through and then think, you know, maybe I shouldn’t keep drinking, that helps.

“Most families in Canada when they remember the Humboldt Broncos crash, they immediately cling to their own children. And you know I wouldn’t say it’s any different now. Tell your children you love them every chance you get. Tell your wife, your husband, everybody, you love them, grandma and grandpa, just say it.”

“There is a big gap in men, fathers, speaking about their grief,” added Dubé. “Again, I think that society is shifting a bit. With the real encouragement of men being more vulnerable.”

The first episode of the “Relentless” podcast featuring Joseph is already streaming. The second one, which dives into ways people can support someone grieving, comes out April 11.